Issue #5 | October 26, 2025
Proudly seasoned by Trophy Wife - The Official Finishing Salt of The Consumer Crunch. Because you are the prize, and so is this salt.
🥄 FIRST BITE
The appetizer before we dive in
Welcome back, Crunchers. This week, LVMH wants out of Fenty Beauty, protein powder got slandered by Consumer Reports, and someone hit $300M in revenue in 24 months.
The fear-mongering continues. The money keeps moving. Let’s dig in.
🍊 THE MAIN COURSE
This week’s biggest CPG moves
Grüns’ Generational Velocity
$300 million in revenue. 24 months. Profitable. 1 billion gummies shipped. 6,300 retail doors.
The Crunch: This isn’t growth - it’s teleportation. While everyone’s burning cash for vanity metrics, Chad Janis built a profitable $300M business selling gummies. The blueprint: viral marketing + mass distribution + actual margins = generational wealth.
LVMH’s Fenty Exit
LVMH hired Evercore to sell their 50% stake in Fenty Beauty. The brand did $450M in sales last year, launched in 2017 with Rihanna.
The Crunch: LVMH doesn’t exit winners. They need cash for something bigger. Or Rihanna wants full control. Either way, when luxury’s biggest player dumps beauty’s hottest brand, pay attention.
The $2B Fragrance Flip
Advent International is shopping Parfums de Marly and Initio Parfums Privé for $2 billion. They bought in 2023.
The Crunch: Fragrance M&A is nuclear hot. Kering bought Creed for €3.5B then immediately sold. TSG grabbed PHLUR. L’Oréal invested in Amouage. When private equity can flip perfume in 2 years for $2B, we’ve reached peak luxury.
🚨 PROTEIN POWDER PANIC
This week’s manufactured crisis
Consumer Reports claims your protein powder contains “dangerous levels of lead.” Twitter melted down. Your mom texted you.
The Reality Check:
They used California Prop 65 standards (0.5 micrograms/day)
Found 15 parts per billion in some powders
Your spinach: 60 ppb
Dark chocolate: 30-60 ppb
Brown rice: 80-100 ppb
The Crunch: Your salad has 4x more lead than protein powder. But “Vegetables Contain Heavy Metals” doesn’t get clicks. Fear sells subscriptions. Facts build muscles. Choose accordingly.
🏪 DISTRIBUTION DOMINATION
Everyone’s everywhere
Target’s Shopping Spree:
Arrae: Storewide launch (bloat relief mainstream)
Plant People: CBD goes mass
Nightingale: Ice cream hits bullseye
Heyday: Canned beans at select stores
Regional Wins:
Blue Zones: Storewide at Publix
Immi: 3,800 CVS stores (ramen revolution)
Create: Vitamin Shoppe shelves
Something Sweet: California expansion
Tantos: H-E-B rollout
Wonder Monday: Kroger launch
International Moves:
Fazit: Landed at Sephora UK
Amouage: NYC flagship opens
The Crunch: 11,000+ new doors this week alone. The shelf wars are back. Someone’s getting delisted.
🎨 BRAND THEATER
This week’s performances
Lil Bucks’ Glow Up
Complete rebrand for sprouted buckwheat
Brighter, bolder, shelf-ready design
Positioning as “America’s Buckwheat Brand”
Carbone’s Category Creep
Launching simmer sauces in 2026
Near $100M revenue from pasta sauce alone
Cacciatore, Fra Diavolo, Bolognese varieties
Form x Hot Take Dough
Activewear meets protein cookies
9g grass-fed whey per cookie
Fashion x food collabs are the new normal
The Crunch: Everyone’s rebranding, expanding categories, or collaborating. Standing still is death.
🍹 NEW LAUNCHES
This week’s debutantes
Fuzzy Bones: Rhinegeist’s THC beverages (5mg THC + 10mg CBD)
Donna Franca: Thomas Straker’s olive oil play
SPARKLiNUTS: Functional coconut water with adaptogens
Momentous Creatine Chews: 1g per chew ($49.95/jar)
Kin Euphorics: Crowdfunding campaign ($11M in 2024)
The Crunch: THC beverages in Ohio. Creatine in candy form. Coconut water with mushrooms. Nothing is sacred anymore.
📊 THE DATA DIGEST
Numbers that matter
$300M: Grüns revenue in 24 months
$450M: Fenty Beauty annual sales
$2B: Fragrance brands asking price
3,800: CVS stores for Immi
15 ppb: Lead in protein powder (vs 60+ in spinach)
1B: Gummies shipped by Grüns
🎙️ FROM THE PODCAST
This week on Unpackaged Goods
Debunked the protein powder heavy metals panic with actual science. Discussed LVMH’s Fenty exit, Grüns’ $300M sprint, and why fear-based journalism is killing nutrition.
Key quote: “Your spinach has more lead than protein powder. But ‘Salad Contains Heavy Metals’ doesn’t sell subscriptions.”
[Listen to Episode 6 →]
🔥 THE HOT TAKE
My unfiltered opinion on this week’s madness
Grüns hit $300M in 24 months. PROFITABLE. Not burning cash, not faking metrics - actual profitable revenue.
Meanwhile, Consumer Reports is fear-mongering about protein powder using standards that would fail every vegetable in your fridge. LVMH is dumping Fenty because they need cash. And everyone’s launching THC drinks because apparently that’s easier than building a real business.
Here’s the pattern: Real businesses (Grüns) print money. Everything else is just expensive performance art.
Want to know the difference? Grüns sells gummies people actually want. They didn’t need celebrity endorsements, fear-based marketing, or category pivots. Just good products, smart distribution, and patience.
$300M in 24 months. While you were worried about 15 parts per billion.
📺 COMING MONDAY
The Consumer Crunch: Week in Review
Breaking down Grüns’ playbook and why fear-based health journalism needs to die.
🥫 ONE MORE THING...
Before you close this tab
Kirin is exploring a sale of Four Roses bourbon. Buffy announced a celebrity co-founder (buff chicken cottage cheese dip). Someone made functional coconut water with adaptogens.
When bourbon’s for sale, dips need celebrities, and coconut water has mushrooms, nothing makes sense anymore.
But hey, at least your protein powder is safe. Despite what Consumer Reports wants you to believe.
Until next Sunday, Jonathan Deeter Your CPG-Obsessed Friend
P.S.
Next week’s prediction: Someone will add protein to THC beverages. Or THC to protein powder. The categories must merge. The simulation demands it.
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