Issue #2 | October 5, 2025
🥄 FIRST BITE
The appetizer before we dive in
Welcome back to The Consumer Crunch, where we turn CPG chaos into your competitive advantage. This week: Baby food goes Wall Street, everything gets a protein makeover, and non-alcoholic beer is having an existential crisis.
Grab your coffee (hopefully with protein) and let’s dig in.
🍊 THE MAIN COURSE
This week’s biggest CPG moves
Once Upon a Farm’s Wall Street Fairy Tale
Jennifer Garner’s baby food brand filed to go public under ticker “OFRM” - because apparently “BABY” was taken. The numbers: $202M in revenue, up from $94M in 2023. That’s a 115% growth rate that would make any VC weep tears of joy.
The Crunch: This could be the first major CPG IPO in years. If it works, expect the exit floodgates to open. If it doesn’t... well, at least the babies still get their organic pouches.
Sazerac Adds Another Trophy to Its 450+ Collection
The spirits giant acquired Western Son Vodka, continuing last week’s trend of “everyone needs Texas vodka.” This follows Tito’s historic LALO Tequila acquisition - their first in 30 years.
The Crunch: Texas is to vodka what France is to wine - a marketing story that sells bottles. Expect more “Texas-washing” in spirits.
Coty’s Spring Cleaning
The beauty giant hired Citi to potentially sell CoverGirl, Rimmel, Sally Hansen, and a $400M Brazilian beauty unit. They’re keeping “prestige beauty and fragrance.”
The Crunch: Mass beauty is the new mass media - nobody wants it. The money’s in $300 serums, not $7 mascara.
💪 THE PROTEIN PROPAGANDA HOUR
Because everything needs gains now
Smucker’s Joins the Gym
Protein Uncrustables: 12g per sandwich
Flavors: “Up & Apple” and “Bright-Eyed Berry”
Target market: Kindergarteners who lift
Other Protein Pandemonium
PerfectTed hits £140M valuation (it’s matcha, but swole)
Todo launches GLP-1 protein shakes (26g protein to keep you full)
SlowMornings adds collagen to hydration (because water needs gains too)
The Crunch: We’ve reached peak protein. I’m waiting for protein toothpaste, protein deodorant, and protein therapy. Actually, scratch that last one - it already exists.
🍺 NON-ALC BEER’S IDENTITY CRISIS
When removing alcohol isn’t enough
This week’s contestants in “What Should We Put in Beer Instead?”:
Float House: THC + CBD (3mg + 6mg) - for when you want to float, not drunk DER: 30mg kratom with actor Nico Tortorella - because celebrities make everything better Years: Partnership with John Mulaney for Sober October - comedy > chemistry
The Crunch: Non-alcoholic beer can’t decide if it wants to be medicine, meditation, or meme. Maybe just make it taste good?
📊 THE DATA DIGEST
Numbers that actually matter
Rising Stars:
Joyride: Now #1 non-chocolate candy at Target (beat Skittles!)
Celsius: Volume up 40.5%
Alani Nu: Volume up 127% post-acquisition
Seven Sundays: Bought their manufacturer (vertical integration FTW)
Falling Knives:
PRIME: Sales down 50% (Logan Paul can’t save you forever)
Mass Beauty: Everyone’s selling (see Coty above)
🤝 THE COLLAB CORNER
When brands get lonely
Fishwife x Churn: Butter meets fish (I have questions)
Taco Bell x Salt & Straw: The Tacolate (RIP Choco Taco)
Aritzia x Salt & Stone: Fashion meets deodorant
Squishmallows x Ulta: Plushies make perfume now
The Crunch: Collaboration is just corporate dating. Some matches make sense, others feel like desperation. Looking at you, fish butter.
🎯 DISTRIBUTION WINS
Where things are actually selling
Big Moves:
Olyra → 1,300 Target stores
Ancient + Brave → Enters US from UK
Chickapea → Raised $4.25M CAD for expansion
Russell Westbrook → Invested in Don’t Quit
🎙️ FROM THE PODCAST
This week on Unpackaged Goods
Talked with the founders of Byte’m Brownie Bites who built their brand on one radical idea: brownies should taste like brownies. No protein. No adaptogens. No mushrooms. Just chocolate squares of nostalgia.
Their best quote: “Everyone’s trying to solve problems. We’re just trying to solve cravings.”
🔥 THE HOT TAKE
My unfiltered opinion on this week’s madness
Yellowbird’s founder stepped down after 12 years. Seven Sundays bought their manufacturer. Once Upon a Farm wants public market money. Everyone’s either professionalizing, vertically integrating, or cashing out.
You know what this reminds me of? The moment when your favorite indie band signs to a major label. It’s not selling out - it’s scaling up. But something changes.
The scrappy CPG era is evolving. The spreadsheet era is changing. And honestly? Maybe that’s okay. Passion alone doesn’t pay for shelf space.
📺 COMING MONDAY
The Consumer Crunch: Week in Review
Breaking all this down in 60 seconds of pure chaos. Will definitely rant about protein PB&J. Might throw something.
Subscribe on YouTube to watch me slowly lose it.
🥫 ONE MORE THING...
Before you close this tab
Notice how every brand is either adding something (protein, THC, kratom) or removing something (gluten, sugar, alcohol)? Whatever happened to just... being?
Shoutout to Byte’m Brownie Bites for making brownies that are just brownies. Revolutionary.
Forward this to someone who needs to hear that their product doesn’t need 30g of protein.
Until next Sunday, Jonathan Deeter Your CPG-Obsessed Friend
P.S.
Still processing that someone made kratom beer. And that I had to google what kratom was. 2025 is exhausting.
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Love this!!! Best summary I have seen