Issue #4 | October 19, 2025
Proudly seasoned by Trophy Wife - The Official Finishing Salt of The Consumer Crunch. Because you are the prize, and so is this salt.
🥄 FIRST BITE
The appetizer before we dive in
Welcome back, Crunchers. This week, diapers became a $200M business, luxury fragrance changed hands for $4 billion, and protein officially invaded Pop-Tarts.
The simulation continues to glitch. Let’s dig in.
🍊 THE MAIN COURSE
This week’s biggest CPG moves
Mammoth’s Baby Steps
Mammoth Brands (Harry’s, Lume) just bought Coterie diapers. The stats: 700 million diapers sold, $200M revenue, 60% YoY growth, and profitable. Almost entirely DTC.
The Crunch: Mammoth knows how to take DTC brands to Target. Coterie’s about to go from Instagram ads to everywhere. The playbook: acquire, expand channels, repeat.
Kering’s $4B Beauty Exit
Kering is selling its luxury beauty division to L’Oréal for around $4 billion. This includes Creed (which Kering bought for €3.5B just last year) plus beauty lines from Bottega Veneta and Balenciaga.
The Crunch: Kering bought Creed for €3.5B, now selling the whole division for $4B. That’s either terrible math or desperate housecleaning. L’Oréal is collecting luxury brands like Pokémon cards.
Bubble’s Banking Moment
Five-year-old Bubble Skincare hired Centerview Partners to explore options. Now at $100M+ in sales and the #4 teen skincare brand. Gen Z’s first skincare love might be for sale.
The Crunch: Rhode sold to e.l.f. for $1B. Medik8 and BYOMA found buyers. Bubble’s timing is perfect - teen skincare is having its investment moment.
💰 THE FUNDING FRENZY
Big checks being written
Chobani’s Unicorn Status
$650M raise at $20 BILLION valuation
Funding plant expansions in Idaho and New York
Yogurt is worth more than most tech companies
Hemp Beverage Gold Rush
Shift Naturals: Funded by The Angel Group + Kevin Love
Context: Arnie’s raised $7.5M (August), BRĒZ closing $25M, High Rise raised $1M
The hemp-infused beverage funding frenzy continues
The Small Rounds
Sprinter Spirits: $4M (Kylie’s vodka soda)
All Things Butter: £2M (UK premium butter)
KilgourMD: $5M (scalp care science)
Unfabled: $1.7M (women’s wellness)
ZOE: £3M on CrowdCube (gut health testing)
The Crunch: From $20B yogurt to £2M butter. The funding spectrum has lost all meaning.
💪 PEAK PROTEIN ABSURDITY
We’ve lost the plot
This week’s protein invasion casualties:
Pop-Tarts Protein (November 2025)
10g of protein per pastry
Because breakfast candy needs gains
JimmyBar Creatine Bars
20g protein + 5g creatine
Supplements disguised as snacks
Legendary Foods Mac & Cheese
47g protein per serving
That’s not comfort food, that’s discomfort food
Barebells Protein Soda
10g protein + 200mg caffeine
Sweden’s gift to gym bros
The Crunch: When Pop-Tarts get protein, we’ve jumped the shark. Waiting for protein butter to complete the circle.
🏪 DISTRIBUTION DOMINATION
The retail land rush continues
Target’s Collection:
Alice Mushrooms: 900 doors
Cymbiotika: 4 SKUs nationwide
BAKR: National launch
Small Act: 1000mg sodium electrolytes
Going Global:
La Bonne Brosse: French brushes hit NYC
Unfabled: 730 UK Boots stores
Bloom: 100M cans sold since last summer
The Exit Watch:
BUILT Bar: Hired Houlihan Lokey
Kate Somerville: Sold by Unilever to Rare Beauty
KDP: Starboard Value takes activist stake
🎨 THE REBRAND REPORT
When packaging is the product
Equip Foods’ Glow Up: The clean nutrition brand unveiled countertop-worthy packaging. Because apparently protein powder needs to be Instagram-ready.
Snif Goes Masc: The DTC fragrance darling is launching cologne. Another category gets millennial-ized.
Momofuku’s Noodle Refresh: David Chang’s instant noodles got a makeover. Even ramen needs a rebrand.
The Crunch: Sometimes the biggest innovation in CPG is just making your jar prettier. At least they’re honest about it.
🍬 NEW BRAND CIRCUS
This week’s debutantes
Alison Roman’s Tomato Sauce: Celebrity chef enters jarred sauce
Dirty Gut: Gut-friendly sweets (honest naming)
Drumroll Expands: Beyond donuts to mini muffins
AriZona x The Rizzler: Yes, this is real
The Crunch: When iced tea collabs with “the Rizzler,” we’ve transcended into performance art.
📊 THE DATA DIGEST
Numbers worth knowing
$20B: Chobani’s valuation (TWENTY BILLION)
$4B: Kering’s beauty division sale price
$200M: Coterie’s annual revenue
100M: Bloom’s can milestone
900: Target doors for mushrooms
47g: Protein in mac and cheese (still processing this)
🎙️ FROM THE PODCAST
This week on Unpackaged Goods
Talked with Trelli Health’s founder about reimagining the medicine cabinet with plant-based alternatives to Tylenol, cold medicine, and IBS relief.
Their insight: “The medicine aisle is the last CPG category that hasn’t been disrupted. Same formulations for decades while every other aisle revolutionized.”
Truth. We have 50 kombucha flavors but two headache options.
[Listen to Episode 5 →]
🔥 THE HOT TAKE
My unfiltered opinion on this week’s madness
Chobani is worth $20 billion. For yogurt. Meanwhile, AriZona iced tea needs “the Rizzler” for relevance.
Hemp beverages are having their venture moment. Shift Naturals joins Arnie’s, BRĒZ, and High Rise in the “we put hemp in water” funding club. Combined, that’s over $33M for... relaxation in a can.
Meanwhile, Equip Foods spent money on a rebrand to look better on countertops. Because that’s the real problem with protein powder - not the taste, not the clumping, but how it photographs.
This is peak 2025 CPG: Fund the trends, rebrand the basics, and add protein to everything.
The only honest players this week? Bubble (built real brand value), Coterie (actually profitable), and Chobani ($20B of patience).
When butter needs £2M and the Rizzler gets beverage deals, maybe we’ve lost the plot.
📺 COMING MONDAY
The Consumer Crunch: Week in Review
Breaking down how yogurt hit $20B and investigating who “the Rizzler” actually is.
🥫 ONE MORE THING...
Before you close this tab
SmartSweets hired Hollywood agents. La Bonne Brosse opened a luxury hairbrush store in NYC. Liquid Death hired a CFO from Health-Ade.
When candy needs agents and hairbrushes need boutiques, we’ve reached peak everything.
But at least the diapers are profitable. And the yogurt is worth $20 billion.
Until next Sunday, Jonathan Deeter Your CPG-Obsessed Friend
P.S.
Next week’s prediction: Someone will add hemp to protein powder. Or protein to hemp beverages. The trends must merge. The simulation demands it.
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