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Issue #1 | September 28, 2025
🥄 FIRST BITE
The appetizer before we dive in
Welcome to The Consumer Crunch - where we turn this week’s CPG chaos into your Monday morning advantage. Think of it as your weekly debrief from someone who’s been eating, drinking, and breathing consumer brands all week (literally).
This week: Tito’s finally went shopping, celebrities can’t stop making beverages, and someone actually created sperm supplements. Let’s digest.
🍊 THE MAIN COURSE
This week’s biggest CPG moves
Tito’s Takes Its First Shot (At M&A)
After 30 years of just making vodka, Tito’s finally bought something: LALO Tequila. The premium tequila brand shipped 155K cases last year. For context? Casamigos sold for $1B at 170K cases.
The Crunch: This isn’t about diversification - it’s about distribution. Tito’s built the best spirits distribution network in America. Now they’re putting tequila in the trunk.
Heineken’s $3.2B Infrastructure Play
While everyone’s obsessed with hard seltzers, Heineken dropped $3.2 billion on FIFCO - Central America’s beverage giant. They didn’t just buy beer brands. They bought the roads, the trucks, and the relationships.
The Crunch: Boring > Trendy. Heineken’s buying tomorrow’s growth markets while everyone else fights over today’s.
The Great Vitamin Dump of 2025
Nestlé hired Morgan Stanley to sell off Nature’s Bounty, Puritan’s Pride, and other vitamin brands. They’re keeping “premium brands and women’s health.”
The Crunch: Even Nestlé thinks vitamins are commoditized. The future is functional food, not pills.
🥤 CELEBRITY SODA HOUR
Because apparently everyone needs a beverage brand
Ben Stiller’s Actually Smart Soda Play
30 calories, 7g sugar, no functional BS
Just... soda that tastes like soda
Already on Amazon, Walmart coming
Charlie Sheen Goes Sober(ish)
“Wild AF Brewing” non-alcoholic beer
With Harpoon Brewery (legit partner)
The tagline writes itself
The Crunch: Celebrity CPG used to be perfume. Then it was tequila. Now it’s whatever’s trending on TikTok. At least Stiller kept it simple.
🏈 WAIT, WHAT?
The week’s wildest CPG moments
NFL QB Invests in... Jumbo Blueberries Chicago Bears’ Caleb Williams’ fund 888 Midas backed Fruitist. The company already does $400M in sales. That’s approximately 100 million containers of berries.
SwimClub Wants to Upgrade Your Swimmers Squared Circles launched a “sperm performance supplement.” Yes, you read that right. CPG has officially tried everything.
Victoria’s Secret Makes... Candles? The lingerie brand entered home fragrance. Because when you think cozy night in, you think... actually, nevermind.
📊 THE DATA DIGEST
Numbers that actually matter
$100M: Carbone Fine Food’s 2025 revenue (the Rao’s playbook works)
#1: Michelob Ultra beat Modelo as America’s top beer
$400M: What jumbo blueberries are apparently worth
30 years: How long Tito’s waited to buy something
1.6%: KDP’s soda volume decline (but diet grew 5.6%)
🎯 DISTRIBUTION WINS
Where things are actually selling
The Crunch List:
SALUD → Target (nationwide)
Bobelo → Costco (LA roadshows)
LMNT Slim → Target (500mg sodium for normies)
Bloom x Tandy → Target (exclusive)
Grüns → The Feed (niche to mainstream)
🎙️ FROM THE PODCAST
This week on Unpackaged Goods
Had an amazing conversation with Grace Finerman who went from TV news anchor to founding Date Smarter - a natural candy brand using date powder instead of sugar. Key takeaway: Your 3 AM career crisis might be your billion-dollar idea.
🔥 THE HOT TAKE
My unfiltered opinion on this week’s madness
Everyone’s talking about Tito’s buying tequila like it’s revolutionary. The real story? They waited THIRTY YEARS to make an acquisition. In an industry where everyone’s buying everything, Tito’s built a billion-dollar brand by doing one thing perfectly.
The lesson: Maybe we don’t need to diversify. Maybe we don’t need 47 SKUs. Maybe we just need to be really, really good at one thing.
But also, someone made sperm supplements, so what do I know.
📺 COMING MONDAY
The Consumer Crunch: Week in Review
Every Monday, I’ll break down these stories in 60 seconds in front of my mic. Same news, more personality, probably more hot takes. Follow on Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube to catch it.
🥫 ONE MORE THING...
Before you close this tab
If you’re building in CPG and want to talk about it, I’m always down for a conversation. Hit reply or find me at @deetseatsnyc or email me at jonathan@pickleadvisors.com
Also, if you know someone who’d enjoy this weekly bowl of CPG chaos, forward it along. Sharing is caring.
Until next Sunday, Jonathan Deeter Your CPG-Obsessed Friend
P.S.
Still processing that Victoria’s Secret makes candles now. 2025 is weird.
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